I know this goes against the grain, but I need to get this off my chest, maybe if this message gets out to one person, or that one person this is directed to, maybe I can get free from feeling this way.
What happened over thirty years ago still affects me to this day. Some days it brings me to my knees, other days things around distract me well enough where I can function normally. In the "right" atmosphere, it doesn't matter your size or status in life, if that person comes along and finds that weakness in you, there are peers that will take advantage of you just for self-gratification in the attempts to destroy another's self-esteem. It happens more in the latter years of school more than any other years, but it still happens in elementary years as well.
In my junior year of high school, I had a study hall class held in the room where concert band practiced after school, so this was a fairly large room. Since it was big, it also housed many students as well. Sitting in the back has its benefits, but in this class it was used against me. And since years ago I had a run in with a teenage girl that brought embarrassment unto me, I did everything I could to not go against another teenage girl and the two boys who periodically joined in the fray.
Her initials were PRN, and because of the proximity of last names, she sat right next to me. (If anyone saw the character "Jade" on the show Victorious, she is a splitting image of her in the yearbook. I also find her actions are eerily similar to other.) From the very first class, she was ruthless, and when a couple of her friends moved by, their object was to continually put me down. The only benefit of time here from those moments was I cannot remember the words they used against me, but the tactics still haunt me to this day. I do not recall the boys names, and going through old photos in the school yearbook does not bring any results, although it is possible in my brain that it is blocking out what caused traumatic results to protect you. But the effects of the bullying still resonates in my mind when things do not go well.
From my perspective, kids that bully (I have seen adults who do the same) are ones who look for ways to destroy others just for fun. Others may not have the joy at home they longed for, and they give that frustration out on others who have no part (and never will) in their walk.
Every day, which I had for the first semester Monday through Friday, was the hour I did not look for when I went to school, when the semester ended. I dreaded every step I took to get this classroom and ran to the door when the bell rang. I even tried dating a girl who was head over heels to me and the negativity that was poured out from these three kids came out from me. I longed to be accepted but I also began to push my girlfriend at the time away. I instinctively began to drive others away, especially those of the opposite sex, because I could not handle the rejection that I believe would eventually come. I do not blame her for walking away. If you are reading this HMH, I am truly sorry. I hope you understand what I went through.
The damage done hurt me in the long run. I tried dating once in my twenties, but the rejection that normally takes place took such hold in my heart that I took it too personally without understanding.why she turned me down. It only grew worse when I became homeless and none of my relatives wanted anything to do with me. Never at any time before dd I feel more ashamed of myself than that time.
I became so scared of women (and others who could have been my friend, for that matter) that it took me until I was almost 32 before I began dating again. I stayed alone as much as I can in the Navy, and I even had to deal with bullying in the homeless shelter. One person thought it was better to degrade me than improve himself, and he continued until the day he left.
It still has a hold in a portion of my heart in my marriage. After twelve years, I thought having a wife by my side would make things easier. Understand, with the children, they are different. They haven't been placed in the position I was in, and I hope they never are going to be. My wife went through her own path of looking for love and as woman, it is always different from a man's viewpoint. Right now, it still hurts that every time I try to get close, or willing to do so, I feel I am about to get rejected all over again. My esteem has never recovered.
What happened over thirty years ago still affects me to this day. Some days it brings me to my knees, other days things around distract me well enough where I can function normally. In the "right" atmosphere, it doesn't matter your size or status in life, if that person comes along and finds that weakness in you, there are peers that will take advantage of you just for self-gratification in the attempts to destroy another's self-esteem. It happens more in the latter years of school more than any other years, but it still happens in elementary years as well.
In my junior year of high school, I had a study hall class held in the room where concert band practiced after school, so this was a fairly large room. Since it was big, it also housed many students as well. Sitting in the back has its benefits, but in this class it was used against me. And since years ago I had a run in with a teenage girl that brought embarrassment unto me, I did everything I could to not go against another teenage girl and the two boys who periodically joined in the fray.
Her initials were PRN, and because of the proximity of last names, she sat right next to me. (If anyone saw the character "Jade" on the show Victorious, she is a splitting image of her in the yearbook. I also find her actions are eerily similar to other.) From the very first class, she was ruthless, and when a couple of her friends moved by, their object was to continually put me down. The only benefit of time here from those moments was I cannot remember the words they used against me, but the tactics still haunt me to this day. I do not recall the boys names, and going through old photos in the school yearbook does not bring any results, although it is possible in my brain that it is blocking out what caused traumatic results to protect you. But the effects of the bullying still resonates in my mind when things do not go well.
From my perspective, kids that bully (I have seen adults who do the same) are ones who look for ways to destroy others just for fun. Others may not have the joy at home they longed for, and they give that frustration out on others who have no part (and never will) in their walk.
Every day, which I had for the first semester Monday through Friday, was the hour I did not look for when I went to school, when the semester ended. I dreaded every step I took to get this classroom and ran to the door when the bell rang. I even tried dating a girl who was head over heels to me and the negativity that was poured out from these three kids came out from me. I longed to be accepted but I also began to push my girlfriend at the time away. I instinctively began to drive others away, especially those of the opposite sex, because I could not handle the rejection that I believe would eventually come. I do not blame her for walking away. If you are reading this HMH, I am truly sorry. I hope you understand what I went through.
The damage done hurt me in the long run. I tried dating once in my twenties, but the rejection that normally takes place took such hold in my heart that I took it too personally without understanding.why she turned me down. It only grew worse when I became homeless and none of my relatives wanted anything to do with me. Never at any time before dd I feel more ashamed of myself than that time.
I became so scared of women (and others who could have been my friend, for that matter) that it took me until I was almost 32 before I began dating again. I stayed alone as much as I can in the Navy, and I even had to deal with bullying in the homeless shelter. One person thought it was better to degrade me than improve himself, and he continued until the day he left.
It still has a hold in a portion of my heart in my marriage. After twelve years, I thought having a wife by my side would make things easier. Understand, with the children, they are different. They haven't been placed in the position I was in, and I hope they never are going to be. My wife went through her own path of looking for love and as woman, it is always different from a man's viewpoint. Right now, it still hurts that every time I try to get close, or willing to do so, I feel I am about to get rejected all over again. My esteem has never recovered.
I wrote this out to let you, and others, know of the damage it has caused and the lasting effects that challenge even my walks in marriage. Bullying seeks to destroy the very nature in mankind to be accepted and love (or me, respect) from another. Sadly, so is the one doing the bullying.
There are times where I prefer isolation than company. In isolation, no one can hurt you, no one is there in attempt to take away in peace or joy you have left. For someone who has not been able to shed those shoes, loneliness seems to be the only alternative to rid yourself of shame you feel when others put you down. Loneliness leaves you with a choice of either avoiding the pain in exchange for finding love and acceptance that you seek. It is a sacrifice many of us take.
There are times where I prefer isolation than company. In isolation, no one can hurt you, no one is there in attempt to take away in peace or joy you have left. For someone who has not been able to shed those shoes, loneliness seems to be the only alternative to rid yourself of shame you feel when others put you down. Loneliness leaves you with a choice of either avoiding the pain in exchange for finding love and acceptance that you seek. It is a sacrifice many of us take.
I am writing this not in hatred for those who did this to me
thirty-one years ago in that study hall, deep down I hope you have found
Jesus and repented from these actions. I truly hope you have seen this
was wrong and there is love that you seek and not destruction in your
hearts. I refused to attend any school reunions because I hated high school. I did not have many friends, and after graduation, they began to leave me for other things. I do not wish to relive what I went through in those teenage years and not to be embarrassed years later in front of the same people. I have even noticed some try to act like those times all over again. My past I have attempted to keep in the rear view mirror, and NEVER want to see again, but it haunts me still.
I forgive you, and I hope you seek, or have already done so, God's forgiveness. For one day I hope this pain has no more hold on me, and maybe seeing God's grace with you will be the catalyst to freedom.
Jeremiah 6:16
Michael
I forgive you, and I hope you seek, or have already done so, God's forgiveness. For one day I hope this pain has no more hold on me, and maybe seeing God's grace with you will be the catalyst to freedom.
Jeremiah 6:16
Michael
No comments:
Post a Comment
I, as moderator of this blog, hold the right to disregard and remove all comments that are hatred by nature. I uphold the rights of opinion and know there will be disagreements. This does not allow spewing of hate for another view for satisfaction. I am open to debate, but it should be kept civil, tranquil (if possible), and Biblical.
Thanks